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<title>The end is near by pain_in_the_bottom_24</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28028916">The end is near</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pain_in_the_bottom_24/pseuds/pain_in_the_bottom_24'>pain_in_the_bottom_24</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Other, Suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:09:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>809</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28028916</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pain_in_the_bottom_24/pseuds/pain_in_the_bottom_24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean kills himself</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester/Other(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The end is near</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>It's mornings like this when you really wonder what the point of this existence really is. It's all repetitive, living and death, love and sorrow, existence and nothingness</em>. Thought Dean to himself as he was drinking a stale and cold cup of coffee in his bed. For three days he tried to leave his bed with no avail. When he got a call from his brother he just rejected it and started slapping himself for being so incapable of doing the right steps. Nothing on TV was new nor interesting. He lived entire lives more exciting than the TV episodes he tried to munch. </p><p> </p><p><em>This is stupid, but Cas would have enjoyed it</em> thought Dean to himself as he watched Courage the Cowardly Dog. He tried watching Scooby Doo, as it reminded him of the last 10 years of adventures next to Cas, but it was too happy for him. The movies were even worse. He cried himself to sleep after watching Sherlock. Even Die Hard was a tough watch; Home Alone was pure torture. </p><p> </p><p>In a moment of triumph he managed to get to his closet. His fingers trembled as he tried to open it. After Cas' death he had to at least open it. There was the mixtape Cas gave him and the beige cloak that reminded him of Cas. He had to get them out of the closet. Instead, he kept drinking his 7th bear with way too much drinking speed. </p><p> </p><p>Why<em> couldn't I say it back? He is gone forever and I could not say it back</em><em>!! </em> Thought Dean to himself as he got the 8th beer. With a little bit of power in his arms, Dean pushed the door of the closet and the Cloak and mixtape were sitting there. He took them out of the closet. Dean put the cloak on, looked at himself in the mirror and felt... so human. Weak, fraille, emotionally stunted and so awkwardly male. Cas was not like that, he was loving to an unhuman degree, sweet at his most ravagingly mad and warm like a weighted blanket. For so many years Dean looked at Cas and could not find the power to say anything that came to his mind, God knows he had so many beautiful things to say. What was he afraid of? Cas always looked at him back. He knew Cas loved him back, he felt it. Why did he never say it first, was he so emotionally weak that the thought of holding his lover's hand would throw away the fantasy of perfect love he built in his head? Breakups are hard, but nowhere near the thought of what could have been. </p><p> </p><p>A crow came on the open window and made a sound that, through definitely not human, felt like it. It felt like the crow was screaming in his ears <span class="u"><em>Nevermore,  </em></span>and it hurt to hear. Might have been only in his head but he was hearing it. To stop the agonizing sound, he put the mixtape on. The first song was <em>Stairway to Heaven</em> and that hurt the most. The auditory Hell he was in, knowing Cas went to Hell when he was meant to go to Heaven, the crow that kept screaming louder and louder <span class="u"><em>NEVERMORE</em></span>. To stop the pain and the tears from falling down even more, to stop himself from hearing his own tears, Dean turnt on the TV. There, there was a rerun of <em>Constantine and it was in spanish. The lead looked just like Cas. The same cloak he was wearing now, the same beautiful eyes, the same smile, the same everything. Cas was keeping his legs in the hot water with the black cat on his lap. He could hear Cas say ''I love you Dean'' and see him go to Hell again. Again. Nevermore. And she's buying a stairway to Heaven. Again. Nevermore. Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings . I Love you, Dean has only one meaning. nevermore. Nevermore will Dean tell Cas what he wanted. Remember laughter? I cannot remember laughter. I remember Cas' laughter, I remember watching this show and Cas speaking in spanish. I din't know what he answered to, but he said Y yo a ti. If only I had the strenght to say  it, Y yo a ti, Cas. To love in your heart and soul and not in your life, not the angel in your life.To be a rock and not to roll. Where's the knife where where where where is the knife???</em></p><p> </p><p>Sam called again. The sounds were too much, the thoughts were too much, the pain was too much. He knew it, he knew he had lived enough. He stabbed himself in the heart. He was going to find Cas and say it back, no matter what</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And she's buying a stairway to Heaven</em>
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